I'll never forget the day I had my HSG. I remember looking at the screen during the xray, and knowing that the dye should flow easily into both sides, lighting up my tubes like the fourth of July. But instead, one side remained totally dark. And then the pain set in. It's hard to describe pain in your inner parts...it's not like an ankle sprain, or a paper cut, or a sore muscle. It's weird and uncomfortable and in this case, it brought tears to my eyes. Then the other side sloooowly lit up, but I was assured this might mean it's ok after all. I knew the radiologist felt badly because he kept apologizing and trying to tell me that even with one side, I could still get pregnant.
After six months of trying, and knowing something was seriously wrong with my body, my suspicions were confirmed on that morning. I left the hospital with what felt like a diaper in my underwear and I don't remember much about the calls to my husband, my mom, my friend. I remember dropping an F word in while talking to my mom... something like, "It hurt so bad, I've got blocked tubes and now I'm coming down with an f-ing cold!" I could tell she wanted to laugh because she didn't know how else to react.
Fast forward to today, when I'm reflecting back to the last three months of specialist visits, internet searches for more information, and countless blood draws, I am hoping the end is near. And by the end I mean this phase; I'm ready to move past all this diagnostic crap and get onto the in vitro part. The part where I have to learn to give myself injections, drive an hour one way several times a week, have blood draws and ultrasounds every couple of days, and pray like crazy that it all works and at the end of it all, we have a healthy baby in our arms. I'm thinking that delivery will be a piece of cake compared to all of this!
But life is good. Even when I feel most alone (which is frequently lately--not a feeling I'm used to at all!), I know God is right here by my side and he's with me through it all. And without Him, I am nothing. God is great!
